secrets

tell me

what secrets do you keep?

what lies behind those eyes?

the words hidden behind your lips?

what thoughts hide in your fertile mind?

i want to know

the secrets, your secrets, your story

the truths and the lies you carry

locked in your heart, never to see the light

but i need to know

i want to know

tell me the words you do not utter

but say in the loneliness of the night

tell me, the meaning of your smile

the reason why

you hide things, you keep things

tell me the whys

and the reasons for the things that keep you sane

i want to know

because i know, your secrets will save me

 

vanilla moon

i remember

because my heart would not let me forget

the smell of you on me

your breath that tickled my ear

your fingers softly brushing the dreams away from my eyes

like sunlight

when day breaks

i remember the curve of your back

when i pull you close

closer than any man has ever been

your sweat, like dew on my lips

slow rush, dancing to the music in our heads

playing over and over and over

i remember your kiss

that salty aftertaste when our lips part

and you cover my mouth again, panting, hungry, devouring my soul

breaking down my wall, my defenses, crossing through my moat with ease

i remember

because my heart would not let me forget

and so the story ends

beer and vodka is a bad mix for me.

i am prone to do stupid things when i am wasted. like really stupid things. stupid things like doing body shots in broad daylight. or pouring out my feelings to someone i’m not supposed to have feelings for and then totally forgetting what he said back.

so we were out drinking and stupid drunk me asked him and his friends to come over. first it was all laughter and fun. then things started to get crazy. i was told to do a dare, and since i’m already drunk, i did it without hesitation. fuck.

so i did some really crazy things and i thought i’d leave it at that. then we ordered vodka. that’s when the craziness turned into insanity. i went insane. i blame it in the alcohol. seriously. the things i said should have never been said. and not said in the condition i was in. but  the moment i uttered those words, though drunk, i knew everything would fall apart.

good thing i chose to forget his answer. i remember parts of it but the whole thought is lost on me.

and i have to live with my actions. although i do not regret what i have done, i only wish i could have done those things sober. for maximum effect.

and since i have already said my piece and i do not expect to get anything in return, i am putting an end to this stupidity. i am closing this chapter and move on to a newer, more sober one. i do not want to close the book on him, because in the end, i would want us to be friends.

come monday, the only thing i’m scared of would be the awkward moments. i hope there would be none, but i guess it would be part of the consequences that i must face because of my stupid, drunken actions.

so good luck to me, and more beer please. 🙂

my stupid mouth

will stop talking, won’t say anything at all.

i get into more trouble the second i open my mouth and talk about you. and of course, i do not want to be caught with my foot in my mouth when the time comes where everything falls apart.

not that i’m thinking negatively, i’m just being pragmatic. and logical.

i’m sorry my dear readers if this post reads like a diary entry. i feel like this is the only place where my thoughts are welcome, safe and ‘unjudged.’

and i guess this is just something fleeting. and maybe i was just too caught up in the novelty of someone new that i refused to push the break pedal until i was over the edge. thankfully i am back in control and relegating my  stupid and lovestruck self in the backseat.

i do not want this to be another one of my sad stories. although i’m not at all hopeful. let’s just say i’m a little bit more careful. i don’t regret my drunken declaration, i take full responsibility for it. it made me realize where i’m at and figure out how to work this one out.

so i’d stop talking and sharing too much. i have laid out all my cards and although a move from you would be appreciated, it is not expected. sometimes, expectations can lead to disappointments. and i don’t think i have enough room in my life right now for such things.

mum’s the word. and i mean it.

drunk blogging

lasing ako habang sinusulat ko to. yes, i am effin’ drunk.

but you made me smile today. welcome back. i thought i would never get the chance to talk to you again. pathetic di ba?

nakakainis nga, kasi alam ko, napaka one-sided ng situation. pero, i can’t help it eh. i like you. i seriously do. siguro kapag sober na ako, i would regret posting this. but what the heck, i felt like i NEED to post it eh.

bakit nga ba? why did i think that i need to post something as pathetic as this one? well, for starters, if i didn’t, i’d go crazy. i’d keep it to myself and then eventually, i need to be admitted to a mental institution.

i have to say ‘i like you’ out loud so that i would have something to hold on to.

and this is a HUGE risk i’m taking; and i’m still in two minds if this is actually a risk i’m willing to take. again, unfair kasi. because i know, I like you, pero i haven’t the slightest idea if you like me back. although i think may may vague signs, i’m still skeptic about the whole thing.

you have that something, i can’t put my finger on, but i know it’s there. you make me want to see you everyday, and talk to you, and be near to you and to feel that you might have something for me too. but again, everything’s still up in the air. i am not sure if i’m reading your signs correctly. one thing i am sure of though, is the fact that you make me feel that i am sort of special. because you are to me. yuck, kadiri lang yun.

so here i am, reduced to this pathetic doe-eyed high school kid who has a huge crush on the varsity player.

dude, i know you are WAAAAAAY out of my league. but i can’t stop myself from liking you. gawd, i hate it when i’m drunk and like this.

bawat kilos mo kasi, feeling ko, may something. pero alam ko naman na dahil i am influenced by my infatuation for you, i would tend to see the things you do for me in a different light.

siguro nga, for now, i think the only thing i could do is like you. at ayaw, and i mean this, ayaw ko kasing makisiksik pa sa buhay mong alam kong masikip na.

but here’s my drunken declartion: I LIKE YOU.