oh

 

oh

you’re still there
hi
want to come inside?
maybe have a drink or two?
how about we go out for dinner?
see a movie? or dance?
no?
tell me, what’s on your mind?
it’s been ages since we last talked
how’s life treating you?
i’m doing well
given the circumstances
so tell me, where have you been?
it’s been what, a year? two years?
i really don’t remember
since we last 
you know
here, let me show you
i still have the photos
remember the time when went to that place?
our place
never mind. it’s embarrassing anyway.
but it was something.
right?
well. here we are.
again, it seems. 
we keep running the same circles
going through the same lines
though things have changed
i have changed.
so you’re there
and i’m here
what happens next?

if i had three wishes, you would be all three

I have been into a lot of relationships- romantic relationships that is. Some of them were really serious and some were, let me just say, got me through my ‘dry’ days.

I was generally happy in all of these relationships and most of them ended in a ‘good’ way. Meaning we ended up as friends, and we still keep in touch. All breakups are ugly in some way but I have managed to end mine where there was little pain involved to both parties.

In all these relationships, although none of them were the same, I somehow see a formula of how it goes: you meet, fall in love, then commit, something goes wrong, and you break up, get hurt and move on. I am not trying to make it sound simple. But think of it as a high overview of the mechanics of relationships.

But I get stumped when it comes to the ‘relationship radicals.’ The ‘what-ifs,’ the ‘grey areas,’ ‘the ones who got away’ and, the sum of all these: ‘the question marks.’

Love, as many have so succinctly put it, is complicated stuff. And I got the front row, both an active participant and a captive audience.

So let’s do away with my ‘normal’ relationships and talk about the three great question marks of my life.

Front and center, from stage right, is question mark number one. Let’s call him Cain.

Cain was love, er, infatuation at first sight. He reminded me so much of my ex that it came to a point that I thought he WAS my ex who possessed Cain and came back to make the wrong things right. Cue romantic movie theme.

I was hooked. Infatuation turned into love, love into lust and eventually heartbreak and all of these happened without him knowing. It was all me. All he knew was that we were really close friends and at that time, I never had the balls to tell him that I actually see him more than a friend and I wanted us to be something more.

So this is where you see my greatest flaw: I am, deep inside, chicken shit. When it comes to the vague guys that I am into, I couldn’t muster the courage to tell them that I like them. I just play these fantasies in my head and inevitably, since there is really no concrete romantic relationship, I end up heartbroken, without him knowing. Sad, I know. But I’m a masochist, I like pain. And I like getting hurt. Again, one of my character flaws.

So it went on like that for a couple of months, I was young then and the prospect of being rejected wasn’t all that appealing. So I just admired him from a distance.

Let me tell you something about Cain, he’s really charming and when you’re alone with him, it’s like it’s just you and him, and everything else fades in the background. And I’m not exaggerating, when he talks to you, his whole attention is on you. That’s one of the reasons why I fell for him. Out of all the questions marks I’ve had, Cain was, and still is, the most special.

Then life got in the way, we lost touch and I have moved on, and I thought that it was just that, a crush.

But life has a funny way of complicating things.

Three years and a handful of boyfriends later, Cain came back into my life. He made his presence felt and feelings came rushing back. I went down the rabbit hole again.

Funny thing is, it was like the years never happened and we were never really were apart. We picked up where we left off. And since I was single, I was assuming that he would be the next one.

But if that were true, I wouldn’t be writing this, would I?

This time, I made sure that he knew how I felt about him. I was older and braver, and I have faced rejection before, so it wouldn’t be a big deal if he doesn’t feel the same way. But deep inside I was seriously hoping that what we have can be taken to another level.

Unfortunately, he said that I was just like a brother to him. That broke my heart, but at least he knew that I was in love with him. And you know what? After he broke my heart, we became closer. It was like being in a relationship without the label and the sex.

So we had this ‘something’ and at time, I was contented with that. That was all he could offer me and that was enough.

It went on for a couple of months, we had ‘non-dates’, we were semi-exclusive but we were never in a relationship. There was a kiss of course, but I blame the alcohol for that. And like any other question mark, we didn’t talk about it. It would be awkward, but it left me more puzzled about what we really had.

Eventually, he had to go out of the country, we lost touch, and looking back, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

He’s one of the greatest ‘what-ifs’ of my life and for now, I think I’m okay with that.

walk on water

i walk on water

in a world made of tears

i hold my hands up

catching the sunlight in my palms

i walk on shattered glass

on a bloody hill

the wind, vampires on my neck

moonshine and starlight

in my night sky

i walk on water

and the world turns to night

but i do not sleep

i step on the sea’s foamy shore

the sand, cold to the touch

like my heart, strung on my chest

like a pendant

crushed like a flower

scattered like ashes

spread on water

in a world made of tears

and then there was me

deep in the secrets of my soul

i am lonely

defeated

languishing beneath the mask i wear

everyday

i tread in the road of despair

half hoping and pining for you

whoever you are

i hear my heart beat

amidst the noise the world makes

and sigh

i let my mind travel

to a place where i am alone in my thoughts

and cry

although i know not why

and when i return

i am alone.

the journal

tattered and yellowed

cobwebbed and worn

cracked and beaten

the pages heavy with thoughts

and memories

and dreams

i pry the book open, gingerly as i go

and then i am taken back

to a place where visions are cast

and my world used to be yours

with limitless hope, i write without fear

my future, our future

letter upon letter, word upon word, sentences on sentences

the blank pages became my canvass

to a masterpiece we once created, we once shared

written on eternal sunshine

read with the light of the moon

i touch the old and cracked page

like skin

and all the tales and all the stories

surround me like wisps of smoke

and then i breathe

the memory fades

the pages fall to the ground like ashes

the story ends and the book is closed

 

 

outside looking in

the pavement is wet

as i walk the streets tonight

i bid goodbye to summer

as i feel the cold wind’s kiss

and i look up

at the windows in the night

like stars

the lights, almost dancing but still as a lamp post

i walk further

windows, like eyes, stare at me

smiles and i smile back

the shadows moving inside, warm and inviting

a hand reaches out

i flinch slightly

your touch, like coals draw me in

i come to your window

my breath frosted the glass

and you move farther

and i keep on walking

the windows, still smiling in the night

wave goodbye

morning dew

the sun hid behind the dark clouds

and so it rained this morning

the drops hugging the window

the wind, cold like a deep sigh of sorrow

my cheek, pressed against the glass

looking out, thinking our what was once was

fleeting like the morning dew

my hands grasping at the memories of you

vanishing the cold, unforgiving air

til there was none left but my lonely stare

my body slightly shivers and i hug myself

for there is no one else but me, in this dark gloomy morning

i linger, hoping the sadness dissipates

like the summer rain