sometimes i

remember that day when we used to…

and then you said…

i just smiled and…

we were happy

 

i was reading through your letters when…

that letter you sent brought…

your thoughts were so…

and i sighed

 

i still…

but then again, it’s…

how do i find it? i think…

and it’s all in the past

 

but how could i…

when all i see is…

and all the memories…

and i stopped thinking

 

so what do i…

when i know that…

and you’re…

you have captured my thoughts

 

i fell like…

when i see you…

and hold myself back because…

but you’re already gone

 

so how do i…

when the pages are…

nothing to say but…

and sometimes i just…

my stupid mouth

will stop talking, won’t say anything at all.

i get into more trouble the second i open my mouth and talk about you. and of course, i do not want to be caught with my foot in my mouth when the time comes where everything falls apart.

not that i’m thinking negatively, i’m just being pragmatic. and logical.

i’m sorry my dear readers if this post reads like a diary entry. i feel like this is the only place where my thoughts are welcome, safe and ‘unjudged.’

and i guess this is just something fleeting. and maybe i was just too caught up in the novelty of someone new that i refused to push the break pedal until i was over the edge. thankfully i am back in control and relegating my  stupid and lovestruck self in the backseat.

i do not want this to be another one of my sad stories. although i’m not at all hopeful. let’s just say i’m a little bit more careful. i don’t regret my drunken declaration, i take full responsibility for it. it made me realize where i’m at and figure out how to work this one out.

so i’d stop talking and sharing too much. i have laid out all my cards and although a move from you would be appreciated, it is not expected. sometimes, expectations can lead to disappointments. and i don’t think i have enough room in my life right now for such things.

mum’s the word. and i mean it.

drunk blogging

lasing ako habang sinusulat ko to. yes, i am effin’ drunk.

but you made me smile today. welcome back. i thought i would never get the chance to talk to you again. pathetic di ba?

nakakainis nga, kasi alam ko, napaka one-sided ng situation. pero, i can’t help it eh. i like you. i seriously do. siguro kapag sober na ako, i would regret posting this. but what the heck, i felt like i NEED to post it eh.

bakit nga ba? why did i think that i need to post something as pathetic as this one? well, for starters, if i didn’t, i’d go crazy. i’d keep it to myself and then eventually, i need to be admitted to a mental institution.

i have to say ‘i like you’ out loud so that i would have something to hold on to.

and this is a HUGE risk i’m taking; and i’m still in two minds if this is actually a risk i’m willing to take. again, unfair kasi. because i know, I like you, pero i haven’t the slightest idea if you like me back. although i think may may vague signs, i’m still skeptic about the whole thing.

you have that something, i can’t put my finger on, but i know it’s there. you make me want to see you everyday, and talk to you, and be near to you and to feel that you might have something for me too. but again, everything’s still up in the air. i am not sure if i’m reading your signs correctly. one thing i am sure of though, is the fact that you make me feel that i am sort of special. because you are to me. yuck, kadiri lang yun.

so here i am, reduced to this pathetic doe-eyed high school kid who has a huge crush on the varsity player.

dude, i know you are WAAAAAAY out of my league. but i can’t stop myself from liking you. gawd, i hate it when i’m drunk and like this.

bawat kilos mo kasi, feeling ko, may something. pero alam ko naman na dahil i am influenced by my infatuation for you, i would tend to see the things you do for me in a different light.

siguro nga, for now, i think the only thing i could do is like you. at ayaw, and i mean this, ayaw ko kasing makisiksik pa sa buhay mong alam kong masikip na.

but here’s my drunken declartion: I LIKE YOU.

white flag

i made a mistake and i feel like i have betrayed myself. i knew that this would happen, deep in my heart i knew. and in a classic move made by me, i let the pieces fall knowing i would be the only one to pick them up. a recurring scene that keeps on playing as if on an extended loop.

i have always been honest with myself and i take pride in the fact that i always knew the risks involved. and like what i have always said: in the morning i will be okay.

and that’s true. i am truly okay.

i had a conversation with a friend yesterday and she wanted to know my perspective on loving. it was very interesting because when i was dishing out my selfish philosophies, i realized that these beliefs helped me understand the complexities of love.

i told her that there’s always a risk involved and it would be up to you if you would be willing to risk it or not. that there would be always pain and it would be your call if you would want to stop hurting or the pain is still worth it to continue loving.

you cannot control what the other person feels but you can control how you feel. you control yourself, even if you’re throwing yourself at someone whom you haven’t have the slightest idea if the feeling would be mutual, you would still be in control. although it takes a lot of will to keep yourself from getting carried away. i told her that one should leave something for himself so that when everything falls apart, one would have something to build on.

i am picking up the pieces and i am okay. the pain is worth it. but i am putting an end to it.

i am waving the white flag of surrender, i couldn’t afford the risk anymore.

i blame you

i blame you for making me feel this way

i blame you for letting me think that it could be possible

i blame you for this vagueness

i blame you for a lot of things

well, it’s not all your fault. i think i am to be blamed as well. well, sort of.

this is a classic case of me biting off more than i could chew. i never expected to have these feelings and thoughts about you again. but i opened the door and invited you in.

and i guess it’s all on me. i read between the lines too much. even if there is nothing there to read. and i blame myself for conjuring up these crazy scenarios in my head that left me expecting too much.

am i headed towards another heartache? i don’t think so, but if i don’t do anything about this, i am well on my way to brokenheartsville.

oh well, nobody dies from a broken heart, might as well risk it.

and yes, i blame you.