Light Bulb

The air is damp

The lamp flickers

Shadows play in the dark

Almost dancing

To the music of an unseen orchestra

My skin is hot to the touch

Almost feverish

Then you whisper in my ear: “I want you”

I gasp in delight

Out of breath, chest heaving

Your arms and hands slick with sweat

I close my eyes in ecstasy

Almost moaning

But please, do not stop

You took in air

The moon smiled

And as I arched my back

You held me closer

You whispered: “I want you”

My body agreed.

walk on water

i walk on water

in a world made of tears

i hold my hands up

catching the sunlight in my palms

i walk on shattered glass

on a bloody hill

the wind, vampires on my neck

moonshine and starlight

in my night sky

i walk on water

and the world turns to night

but i do not sleep

i step on the sea’s foamy shore

the sand, cold to the touch

like my heart, strung on my chest

like a pendant

crushed like a flower

scattered like ashes

spread on water

in a world made of tears

vanilla moon

i remember

because my heart would not let me forget

the smell of you on me

your breath that tickled my ear

your fingers softly brushing the dreams away from my eyes

like sunlight

when day breaks

i remember the curve of your back

when i pull you close

closer than any man has ever been

your sweat, like dew on my lips

slow rush, dancing to the music in our heads

playing over and over and over

i remember your kiss

that salty aftertaste when our lips part

and you cover my mouth again, panting, hungry, devouring my soul

breaking down my wall, my defenses, crossing through my moat with ease

i remember

because my heart would not let me forget

white flag

i made a mistake and i feel like i have betrayed myself. i knew that this would happen, deep in my heart i knew. and in a classic move made by me, i let the pieces fall knowing i would be the only one to pick them up. a recurring scene that keeps on playing as if on an extended loop.

i have always been honest with myself and i take pride in the fact that i always knew the risks involved. and like what i have always said: in the morning i will be okay.

and that’s true. i am truly okay.

i had a conversation with a friend yesterday and she wanted to know my perspective on loving. it was very interesting because when i was dishing out my selfish philosophies, i realized that these beliefs helped me understand the complexities of love.

i told her that there’s always a risk involved and it would be up to you if you would be willing to risk it or not. that there would be always pain and it would be your call if you would want to stop hurting or the pain is still worth it to continue loving.

you cannot control what the other person feels but you can control how you feel. you control yourself, even if you’re throwing yourself at someone whom you haven’t have the slightest idea if the feeling would be mutual, you would still be in control. although it takes a lot of will to keep yourself from getting carried away. i told her that one should leave something for himself so that when everything falls apart, one would have something to build on.

i am picking up the pieces and i am okay. the pain is worth it. but i am putting an end to it.

i am waving the white flag of surrender, i couldn’t afford the risk anymore.

feet on the ground

i am more than capable of keeping myself sane. i have been walking this planet for more than two decades and i have mastered the art of hiding my version of insanity from the rest of the world.

but there are times when i need a sounding board and my blog just wouldn’t do, i’ve got these people to cover me:

i’m quite fortunate to have these guys around. they’re a smart bunch and i feel very comfortable when i’m around them. and the fact that at some point in my adult life i have shared a room with these folks makes the friendship, um, let’s just say, solid.

beyond drunken nights and secret keeping, these people keep me sane. they make sure i see things my myopic vision hides from me. and i guess having them around makes growing up easier.

when it comes to love and all it’s complexities, i choose to suffer alone. i do not want to burden my friends with trivial details because i know that they too have their own battles to face. wars that require more attention than some silly broken heart. but like the good people that they are, they have this uncanny sense of feeling when one is not alright. when i need someone to listen to. even if i know that what i feel may not be a problem that they need to solve, they’re there to listen.

and our auditory faculties are more effective when there’s karaoke involved. and alcohol. but since we lead separate lives, coffee would suffice.

so this is my huge thank you note to them. they have never failed to save me from the depths of crap i have managed to drag myself into.

of course, since the cofiboi is a very social creature, there’s another set of friends i would like to thank, just for being themselves. they offer no judgement, and they are very miserly when it comes to their two cents, but their presence is more than enough.

these guys are the reason why i am getting fat. and i love them for that. and i am so excited because one of them is getting married this weekend. 🙂

thanks guys, for helping me get back on track. i am getting tired of sulking and my brain cells are complaining because most of my thoughts were about HIM.  but i am now ready to smile again. and yes, i have gone through all the motions of hitting my head against the wall for my perceived stupidity.

again, thanks.

do you?

when i lay awake at night

do you think of me?

my first waking thought is you

do think of me too?

when i dream, i see you

do you see me that way too?

when we talk, my thoughts wander, searching for an answer

but that answer may never come

but do you think of me?

when you mention his name, does my name come out of your lips too?

i trudge through my day, waiting for you

but do you wait for me too?

i think about holding your hands, feeling your palms

brush against mine

do you feel the same way too?

as i sit here in my room, thinking of what could be, what might be

do you do that too?

but why do i think of you so?

was it just a fleeting moment when i saw the sparkle in your eyes

when you smiled when you saw me?

was it trivial?

was it just me?