cutting loose ends and burning bridges

i think the best thing to do is say goodbye.

i was on my way to work earlier and i passed by a billboard that advertised this huge star making the move from one telecom network to another. the ad and the move was not really the earth-shaking kind, i mean, as long as the competition would give someone better, then why not jump ship, right?

i’ve been confused lately, and i have written that i’m at a crossroads and i’m still figuring out what to do and where to go. i’m still at that crossing however i now have a better road map.

people leave for a lot of reasons; and the bottom line is that people want something better. because the truth is, there would always be something and someone better.

though i am not yet ready to leave, i am ready to let go. call it streamlining. i am willing to let go of all the baggages i carry to make room for new ones. how could something better come along if your hands are full and you’ve got so much on your plate? i don’t want to be greedy. and like everyone else, i want to be happy.

as the year draws to a close, here are a couple of things in my life that i am ready to let go of; my loose ends, so to speak.

i am cutting myself free from superficial friendships and malfunctioning relationships. i have no room for people who offer face-value friendships but stab you in the back, take you for granted or leave you when things get rough. i know i know, the last part was a bit immature, but i have always believed that friendships are more than just conversations over coffee, parties, drunken confessions, private jokes, and secret keeping. friendships, like all other human relationships, should be anchored on trust. so there, i might say goodbye to a couple of friends just because i don’t need their drama and i am tired of being their doormat.

i am putting an end to relationships that always linger in the gray area. it’s either you want me or you don’t. there’s no use of waiting for someone who already let go. the world’s too big and with six billion people, somebody is bound to find someone. like i said, how can someone better come along if you’ve got no room for that person because you are still hoping and holding on for someone who might not even come back? it’s just a waste of time.

on to other things, lest i get too emotional.

i found life more tolerable when i stopped complaining. it’s not that i have settled for something less, i just figured out that if i don’t like what’s on my plate right now, why not chuck it and head for the buffet table again, right?

“i just figured out that if i don’t like what’s on my plate right now, why not chuck it and head for the buffet table again, right?”

i am doing something about it. slowly, with calculated steps, i am heading back to the buffet and the first course is turning out mighty fine indeed.

this is not my new year’s resolution, i am actually changing stuff and moving things around. i’m cutting loose ends- not just tying them up. and if i get to find a bigger torch, i am ready to burn bridges.

one step forward, two steps back

this dance is getting old. i don’t why being in the gray area is a constant occurrence in my life. i would rather know the real score than staying in the status quo. my question is, should i even wait? i feel like the clash’s song, “should i stay, or should i go?”

sometimes, i feel like i’m staying a masochistic relationship and the loser would always be me.

why then, is it so hard for me to let go and try to start anew? what is holding me back? maybe because i am scared to go out of my comfort zone and try something i haven’t done in a long time? or maybe what i have right now what i have is better than nothing. should i even settle?

the more i ask these questions, new ones pop up. it’s a sick cycle and i want to get out of it. seems like everyday is a struggle. each day i convince myself that i should settle for what i have and try to be happy with my lot. but i’m not.

this indecision is making me look weak and being weak should not be what i am right now. i don’t like it when i start to resent the things that i do when before i just did it because i am happy doing it. but as each day crawls on to the next, i’m getting more and more exhausted.

yesterday, i got to talk to somebody and i finally asked him where i stand in his life and all i got was the same gray area answer. which is but a reflection of what’s on my plate.

on some days i get the resolve to do something about my situation but it all gets drowned in all of life’s complexities. there are more questions than answers.

there are more questions than answers.

i want to do something, be somewhere else, so bad, but i just can’t and i don’t know why.

the big tent follies

earlier, somebody came up to me and said: “if i were you, i would delete you facebook status messages”

welcome to the the big tent. where nothing is as it seems. where knife jugglers stab you even when you’re down. when lion tamers breathe fire and the lions are mere cats with really big hair.

i am a court jester. i got lost in the woods on my way to the castle and ended up joining the circus. it is a choice that i am starting to regret. it is a choice that doesn’t have any benefits at all. i am a living proof that jesters are dumb. we just go about our daily lives and entertain, bend over backwards and if a small hint of complaint is heard from us, they chop off our heads.

imbes na status updates ko ang busisihin nyo, bakit hindi nyo kaya asikasuhin sweldo ko? you have way too much time on your hands

the audience just laugh at the tightrope walkers who are also elephant riders and horse whisperers too. in a small big tent, there are so many performers, one can’t spot the difference between the laughing clown and the blood-hungry crowd.

we are modern day gladiators, fighting tooth and nail and with each other. but the question is, for what? but hey, that’s the circus for you. a kaleidoscope of colors and personality with never-ending confetti and glitter.

but no matter how far we bend our backs, swallow countless swords and every breath we breathe is fire, it can never be enough. we just have to make sure crowds are pouring in, ticket sales are up and the elephants have their peanuts.

now i wonder, if i haven’t got lost in the woods, how would life at the castle be like?

angry cofiboi speaks

i am tried of looking at the glass half-full. maybe there are people out there who work for ego but i am not one of them. i hate it when i am being taking advantage of and just like a doormat, i lay there, doing nothing.

yes i am angry. i am angry because of the things thrown my way. if more people knew what i have been going through, they’d be angry too.

i just can’t grasp the logic behind me needing to go through hoops just to get what i deserve. or maybe, they think that THIS is what i deserve: a glorified gopher. but that’s just plain hogwash.

they said it’s s.o.p. and that i should just do whatever it it i need to do and i’d get what i should have been getting a long time ago. but the thing is, how on earth am i supposed to walk on a tight-rope while juggling knives and jumping through hoops of fire? people who are doing the same thing i do didn’t go through what i need to go through and we practically do the same thing but the disparity in compensation is glaring!

it’s not about passion anymore. and although i love what i do and i have never shortchanged them, i am the one being shortchanged and there hasn’t been any explanation why i am in this crappy situation.

people who know what i am going through ask why i put up with it. i just smile and say ‘they’ll come around and take pity on me.’ but that time never came. i have cried over this not because i feel sorry for myself but because i was so frustrated and angry and the only way i can release that anger without being violent is to cry.

i’m still wondering why i turned out to be masochistic. i have always seen myself as the assertive type, but apparently, that isn’t true anymore. and that’s why i am angry.

i am angry because they have rendered me powerless. if i leave, i’d be starting from scratch again and i’m scared of that. but i am not motivated anymore and i am starting to resent it. talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place. although starting again is looking more and more inviting everyday.

i am not saying that i am indispensable, but i just feel like i needed to be given what is rightfully mine (though others might say otherwise). i am this close of throwing in the towel. i have suffered enough.

in-fame-y

i was never really looking forward to see this movie, but being gay, i felt that it was my obligation to watch movies with singing and dancing in it. go figure.

this remake never should have happened. i guess this was an indulgence gone wrong. the people who were supposed to sing, didn’t, those who were supposed to dance, can’t and those who were supposed to act looked like the didn’t even go through auditions at all. yes, the movie is THAT bad.

here are my MAJOR gripes about the movie:

the characters weren’t given the chance to develop and grow up, after all, the movie spans four years and there were a lot of growing up to do in high school, right? this didn’t happen here, at the end of the movie, the characters were as boring as they were when the movie started.

the writer and the director seemed to have a hard time weaving the production numbers into the movie’s storyline. and although the cast didn’t break into a song every now and then (except for the first part, which was the only good thing in the movie), the musical numbers didn’t make sense and lacked relevance.

the movie is pointless. and the saddest fact is, the main theme was only performed when the credits rolled along with the bloopers.

there really is nothing to be excited about this movie. the actors were bad, the songs were so-so and the production numbers lacked luster. this is the case where the trailer was better than the movie itself.

but if you really want to watch it, i suggest that you wait for the bootleg dvd copy. 🙂 it’s cheaper and you would always have the option to push ‘stop.’