demons

And I thought I have moved on.
Apparently, this moving on thing is a very organic process for me. Translation: really slow.

Last year when an opportunity to start fresh came my way, my former manager and supervisor threatened me with a lawsuit. Citing a clause in my contract that would forbid me to take that opportunity. I got scared. Turned down the offer and stayed.

A year after, I got another opportunity to leave. I took it. But my former company would not want me to get that opportunity. But this time, I thought myself brave, so I moved forward.

I still remember how it happened, my leaving:
Since I would be working for the same program but in another company, I made it a point to be open, honest and direct with the people who supervised me. I told them my plans. That my decision has no malice. I do not intend to bring anyone down. I was taking this opportunity because I no longer see myself growing with the organization. So I left. They still threatened me with a lawsuit though.

I was about to start working again when I got a call that my job offer would be retracted because of two things: the clause in my previous contract and the program director reached out to my would-be boss effectively blocking my employment.

I was devastated. I never knew that their fear would be their ultimate weapon against me.

What they did to me broke me. I am broken. I thought that not thinking about it would make this feeling go away. But it still lingers. It’s still here.

Now a lot of people believe that I am better than this. And I appreciate that. But right now, I don’t see myself as anything but broken.

I will pick up the pieces and start again. I know that. There’s nothing to do but move forward.

But I am still broken. They broke me. And I’m angry.

unceremonious

loyalty.

some people put a premium on it. relationships last because of it. workplaces thrive on it. unfortunately, some companies think of it as a trivial commodity; relegated to the desperate, the uninspired, lacking in value, the stagnant ones.

what some fail to realize is that loyalty is an investment in itself. for individuals to devote their time and energy nurturing the relationship with an organization (which apparently is lopsided, at times one-sided) requires heart and passion.

loyalty is never built-in. it is earned, gained and should be valued. beyond the customary cards and certificates of appreciation, loyalty should be celebrated. leaders should not expect loyalty, for loyalty is earned.

i work in a dynamic industry: ever-changing and always fast-paced. the toll it puts on one’s body and mind is so great but are most often relegated to the sidelines. “comes with the territory” as some would say.

and that’s exactly my point. my work is stressful enough as it is, that each milestone, little as it may be is an achievement. and achievements ought to be celebrated.

it is highly disheartening to see that after years AND years of doing beyond what is expected, all one gets is a gold-plated pin unceremoniously handed without even a sugar-coated “thank you for your loyalty, you are highly appreciated and the work you do is always part of our success” quip.

makes me wonder, if i have placed my loyalty somewhere else, would it be the same too?

UPDATE : I’m still waiting for that pin.

feet on the ground

i am more than capable of keeping myself sane. i have been walking this planet for more than two decades and i have mastered the art of hiding my version of insanity from the rest of the world.

but there are times when i need a sounding board and my blog just wouldn’t do, i’ve got these people to cover me:

i’m quite fortunate to have these guys around. they’re a smart bunch and i feel very comfortable when i’m around them. and the fact that at some point in my adult life i have shared a room with these folks makes the friendship, um, let’s just say, solid.

beyond drunken nights and secret keeping, these people keep me sane. they make sure i see things my myopic vision hides from me. and i guess having them around makes growing up easier.

when it comes to love and all it’s complexities, i choose to suffer alone. i do not want to burden my friends with trivial details because i know that they too have their own battles to face. wars that require more attention than some silly broken heart. but like the good people that they are, they have this uncanny sense of feeling when one is not alright. when i need someone to listen to. even if i know that what i feel may not be a problem that they need to solve, they’re there to listen.

and our auditory faculties are more effective when there’s karaoke involved. and alcohol. but since we lead separate lives, coffee would suffice.

so this is my huge thank you note to them. they have never failed to save me from the depths of crap i have managed to drag myself into.

of course, since the cofiboi is a very social creature, there’s another set of friends i would like to thank, just for being themselves. they offer no judgement, and they are very miserly when it comes to their two cents, but their presence is more than enough.

these guys are the reason why i am getting fat. and i love them for that. and i am so excited because one of them is getting married this weekend. πŸ™‚

thanks guys, for helping me get back on track. i am getting tired of sulking and my brain cells are complaining because most of my thoughts were about HIM. Β but i am now ready to smile again. and yes, i have gone through all the motions of hitting my head against the wall for my perceived stupidity.

again, thanks.

biko

meet biko. he’s cute, smart, a bit shy, and he’s straight.

if he wasn’t, we’d make a cute couple, don’t you think? πŸ™‚

and yes. i have to pout in this shot.

i’m a bully, i make straight boys do stuff for me. πŸ˜‰

but that’s only until after the picture is taken. after that, we all go back to our boring office lives. so yeah, a picture can mean everything and mean nothing at the same time.

he’s not a guy i would seriously go after. he’s just a guy i happen to have a picture with, holding hands. πŸ™‚

like i said, he’s straight, and i don’t go for straight guys. but what if he weren’t? oh the possibilities!

a dubliner finds a new home

my fellow trainers used to tease me about my station. they said that for a ‘bigger-than-life’ person like i am, my workstation looks the opposite. they said it lacked my personality.

well, i am not a sentimental person. in music yes, but when it comes to tangible things, i don’t get too attached (this sentence needs some serious editing). most of the time, my work station is swamped with stacks of paper, pens all over and coins, lots of ’em. my desk is pretty cluttered. i am a huge proponent of the chaos theory. πŸ™‚

my in-out tray won’t fit my desk and frankly, i don’t know what to do with it since my outlook serves the same purpose. to give you an idea how my desk looks like, i took a picture of it (after i have removed all the clutter of course):

as you can see, my desk is quite cramped. i have two screens, and to my right is my desk phone. not much space for an in-out tray or for pictures even. i don’t even have a desk calendar! and if let’s say i’m handling a class, this desk would be really cluttered. sometimes i can’t even find my mouse!

and my desk has been that way for the longest time. i’m not a design guru and as long as my desk serves it’s purpose, i didn’t see the need to change it or make it fancy.

but now, since i have more time (more time than usual, anyway) on my hands, i was toying on the idea of having a minor desk makeover. πŸ™‚

make it more interesting. and i had no idea where to start.

good thing a friend of mine just got back from ireland and he brought something with him: my very own luck of the irish, a dubliner whom i have named dubie (doo-by).

so i guess my desk is more interesting now. haha. πŸ™‚

and i’ve got someone to talk to if there’s no one else around (creepy).Β  in terms of makeovers, that’s about it, i guess. i really don’t want my desk to look like the one my grade school teacher used to have: kitschy souvenirs, person of the year mug and a photo of someone.

i’m very superstitious, i believe that the very second i put a photo on my desk would spell the end of my relationship with that person. πŸ™‚

for now, i’m happy having dubie around.

might as well

i’m so hyped up about this trip.

shopping’s almost done. all that’s left are pretty minor details and i can start packing.

i was supposed to go to cebu with a couple of friends. we were talking about leaving manila for a couple of days and just relax, forget about how crappy work is (isn’t it always?) since january.

planning for it was a lot of fun. we were so set on going to cebu. and i have been so excited ever since.

ans so we booked our tickets. but for some weird reason, things started to go downhill from there.

it started out with one of my closest friends backing out because she thought it was way out of her budget. i was like, this was a planned trip, expenses were always part of the discussions. but apparently, she’s the type who always hesitates and so, she ended up not coming. boo.

working in a call center, filing leaves is like winning a gold medal in the olympics. schedules suddenly change, you’re stuck with an unreasonable boss (come on, it’s vacation!) or you get dumped with work, it would take you days just to finish ’em off. it is easier for agents to file for leaves or PTOs. but for people like me, i’d rather compete in a decathlon. πŸ™‚

but fortunately, i had a very understanding boss (i hope she gets to read this, haha). she approved my request. of course i had to tell her that we already had tickets, disapproving my request would be out of the question.;-)

i can’t help but feel that the whole universe is conspiring for this trip to get canceled. my leaves got approved but one of the people who was supposed to be with us, didn’t. so that’s another person off the list.

and then came on huge blow that almost made me back out: my co-conspirator slash friend found herself in a relationship. WTF. and it turns out that her new boyfriend is the possessive type. the boyfriend wanted my friend to stay in manila, even if she already had tickets. boo.

before all this, there were four of us. now, it’s just going to be me. sucks. they all flaked. after all the planning and shopping (yes, we went shopping right after we got the tickets), they’d back out.

i am still trying to make sense of their supposed reasons: no budget (right), new boyfriend (and so?) disapproved PTO (now this one i can understand). i mean after all the effort, they would just cancel? what’s up with that? and this is cebu for effin’s sake.

i mean if i only knew that they would back out, i would have gone to boracay or palawan or singapore even. but they wanted cebu, so we made plans. and i though i suck at planning.

oh well.

but i’m still going. it would be more expensive though, but what the heck, i’ll make sure i’m going to have fun. in fact, i already made plans meeting up with two (yes two) guys when i get there. teehee. πŸ™‚

and taking pictures would be a chore. and i’m not going to bring a tripod. i’ll just ask people to take pictures of me. yes, i am a tourist.

i won’t be totally alone though. another friend would also be in cebu to celebrate her birthday. so i’d be there to crash her party. and another friend would also go there with his family. he said that if he would be showing me around.

so it’s not all that bad. πŸ™‚

i’ll see you in cebu! yay!

__________

i just noticed i used ‘so’ a lot in this post. πŸ™‚