one step forward, two steps back

confused this dance is getting old. i don’t why being in the gray area is a constant occurrence in my life. i would rather know the real score than staying in the status quo. my question is, should i even wait? i feel like the clash’s song, “should i stay, or should i go?”

sometimes, i feel like i’m staying a masochistic relationship and the loser would always be me.

why then, is it so hard for me to let go and try to start anew? what is holding me back? maybe because i am scared to go out of my comfort zone and try something i haven’t done in a long time? or maybe what i have right now what i have is better than nothing. should i even settle?

the more i ask these questions, new ones pop up. it’s a sick cycle and i want to get out of it. seems like everyday is a struggle. each day i convince myself that i should settle for what i have and try to be happy with my lot. but i’m not.

this indecision is making me look weak and being weak should not be what i am right now. i don’t like it when i start to resent the things that i do when before i just did it because i am happy doing it. but as each day crawls on to the next, i’m getting more and more exhausted.

yesterday, i got to talk to somebody and i finally asked him where i stand in his life and all i got was the same gray area answer. which is but a reflection of what’s on my plate.

on some days i get the resolve to do something about my situation but it all gets drowned in all of life’s complexities. there are more questions than answers.

there are more questions than answers.

i want to do something, be somewhere else, so bad, but i just can’t and i don’t know why.


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