demons

And I thought I have moved on.
Apparently, this moving on thing is a very organic process for me. Translation: really slow.

Last year when an opportunity to start fresh came my way, my former manager and supervisor threatened me with a lawsuit. Citing a clause in my contract that would forbid me to take that opportunity. I got scared. Turned down the offer and stayed.

A year after, I got another opportunity to leave. I took it. But my former company would not want me to get that opportunity. But this time, I thought myself brave, so I moved forward.

I still remember how it happened, my leaving:
Since I would be working for the same program but in another company, I made it a point to be open, honest and direct with the people who supervised me. I told them my plans. That my decision has no malice. I do not intend to bring anyone down. I was taking this opportunity because I no longer see myself growing with the organization. So I left. They still threatened me with a lawsuit though.

I was about to start working again when I got a call that my job offer would be retracted because of two things: the clause in my previous contract and the program director reached out to my would-be boss effectively blocking my employment.

I was devastated. I never knew that their fear would be their ultimate weapon against me.

What they did to me broke me. I am broken. I thought that not thinking about it would make this feeling go away. But it still lingers. It’s still here.

Now a lot of people believe that I am better than this. And I appreciate that. But right now, I don’t see myself as anything but broken.

I will pick up the pieces and start again. I know that. There’s nothing to do but move forward.

But I am still broken. They broke me. And I’m angry.

27 Thoughts While Working Out for the First Time Ever

  

On my first day at the gym, my ultimate goal was not to die. So these were the things that were running through my head while I was making my way through the unexplored (in my case) territory called “the gym”:

  • I seriously hope I don’t die today. 
  • The gym’s on the 3rd floor? I’ll take the stairs then. I’ll consider that as a warmup.
  • Oh good, the place is not packed.
  • Where’s the locker room?
  • Wrong hallway, God, did I just try to go to the women’s locker room?
  • Okay, found the men’s locker room, no people, that’s a good sign.
  • So this is what a gym treadmill looks like. So many buttons! Do I need a college degree to operate this thing?
  • Two minutes in, I think I can get used to this. Do peolple die on treadmills?
  • Stretching time! Wait, you want me to do squats? Sure i’ll do squats. How many?
  • Can we stop doing squats now? Can’t feel my legs!!!
  • Oh Lorde, more squats! 
  • Oh good, we’re moving on to a machine. What is this thing called and how would it torture me?
  • What do you mean “chest out”? 
  • These things are heavy! 
  • My heart can’t beat any faster. Is this the onset of a heart attack?
  • Another machine. For legs. This one’s better. At least I get to sit down.
  • Whoa, almost fell there. Dear legs, don’t give up on me yet.
  • Water, I need water. Every cell in my body is screaming for water.
  • Wait, more squats?!? 
  • Another machine. Leg curls. These things look like they could kill me.
  • Why do others make this look so easy? Like the guy i’m next to. Was he born ripped?
  • Don’t they have a “beginners'” area? I mean it’s my first day for crying out loud.
  • Ten-minute jog, are you fucking kidding me? My legs are nothing but dead weight.
  • Oh good, we’re done. 
  • Locker rooms make me aware of all the body issues I have. Yes, at 30, I still have body issues.
  • Wait, why is walking down three steps of stairs feel like an Olympic sport? My legs, my legs are gone!
  • This is so fun, let’s do this again!😊

from the ashes…

 

i have been meaning to write again but inspiration eludes me. i worry sometimes that this skill would atrophy.

whenever i am in front of a computer, writing a post is the farthest thing from my mind. life and work has become distractions instead of the sources of literary inspiration. i am contented with reading other people’s work and silently wish that i could be as adept at writing as they are. but unfortunately, one has to sift through a lot of emotional trash before finding a little bright spot of ‘writing potential’.

i will write again soon. don’t count me out yet.

consider this an apology, a greeting and a desperate call for attention (an exaggeration, i know) rolled into a few lines of words.

we will see each other again soon.

sometimes i

remember that day when we used to…

and then you said…

i just smiled and…

we were happy

 

i was reading through your letters when…

that letter you sent brought…

your thoughts were so…

and i sighed

 

i still…

but then again, it’s…

how do i find it? i think…

and it’s all in the past

 

but how could i…

when all i see is…

and all the memories…

and i stopped thinking

 

so what do i…

when i know that…

and you’re…

you have captured my thoughts

 

i fell like…

when i see you…

and hold myself back because…

but you’re already gone

 

so how do i…

when the pages are…

nothing to say but…

and sometimes i just…