Where to?

It’s still all up in the air but my mind is set. I may not feel the pain of being uprooted yet but I feel hopeful. More than two decades of living here has made me who I am today. Yet the thought of leaving all of these scares me. I know I am making the right choice; but that doesn’t change the fact that this is going to be my biggest leap of faith.
So here’s to being a grownup and making all those grownup decisions.
Wish me luck.

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scattered letters

by the window, there’s a box

covered in dust, sitting in silence

i reach for it, slightly holding back

afraid of what it might do

of what i might see

the key feels heavy in my pocket, like lead

like something that is dead

i took a step back, unsure of what’s next

summing up the courage to turn the key

afraid of what i might do

the afternoon sky quietly fades into sunset

the box, on my lap remains unopened

they key, now sweaty in my palm lay still

i smell the lacquered wood, the dust and the memories

i turn the key, creaking as i go

and the sun rosy as it was held its breath for me

letters, stacked upon each other

papers yellowed, like wisps of memories

came flooding through my consciousness

i steady myself, willing not to let the tears fall

i have hidden all of these deep in the crevices of my heart

i read them, like a eulogy, sending my emotions to the grave

and in every page, in every stroke, i see your face

and i remember, everything i remember

for the last time, i remember.

 

espresso shots – life lessons from toy story 3

i hate going to the movies alone. the last time i did was back in college, i played hooky a lot. 🙂

i convinced my brother to come see toy story 3 with me and of course after much bullying, he relented. he said yes and i reserved our seats online knowing that the movie house would be packed today.

in a classic brotherly move, he stood me up. i ended up paying for two tickets and watching the movie alone. i was a little irritated of course but then i realized we lived in the same house, retribution is sure to hound my dearly beloved brother.

the first toy story movie was shown in 1995, i was in grade school then, a little older than andy but i was still into toys. i remember seeing the movie with my family, my brother included, and was amazed at how the animators were able to come up with a movie like this one.

i vaguely remember watching the second one because i think i was too busy with my life and i probably bought a bootleg dvd of that one.

i was expecting this movie to be your regular computer-generated movie: lots of visual effects with very little story. but i was pleasantly surprised to to find out that this movie is a very grown up one.

the kids would love this for sure, but the grown ups would leave the movie house with something to think about too. by the end of the movie, when the story draws to a close, i felt a little bittersweet. same feeling i had when the credits were shown in the lord of the rings trilogy. but more than that, this animated movie made me think about one very important life lesson: letting go and moving on.

when we were kids our lives were very predictable and leaving, loving, heartbreak were probably words we never used.

then we grew up. we learned that there are times that we need to let go and we need to leave someone or something behind. but then again, i have always found it hard to let go especially to people who have been a part of my life. people who made me who i am. people i loved.

moving on is a process i have gone through a lot of times and let me tell you, it’s not easy. it’s not easy to let go of something you have been doing for a long time. it’s hard to let go of someone you have loved so much and is a part of who you are. but i have learned to make the process a little easier to bear.

the toys made me realize how it is really to move on.

at the onset of a breakup or somebody leaving, we tend to have fears. we’re afraid that we might not be the same without that person. we have built our lives around a concept that our lives are connected and when we lose the connection, we would just fall apart and we would never be the same again.

but woody, buzz and the rest of the toys made me think about how i handle the demise of a relationship. in my opinion, that alone made the movie powerful.

the toys didn’t fight to win andy’s affection, they knew that andy would someday grow up and leave them behind. however, just like many of us, they didn’t like to be thrown away. all they wanted was to stay in the attic where andy could always find them whenever he needs them-if he needs them. and that’s what the whole movie was all about: making someone realize that moving on doesn’t always have to be hard, the worst it can be is to be a bittersweet ending.

and that’s what i felt when the credit rolled, that bittersweet feeling when i let go of a relationship. i do not cut the ties, i just loosen them. no person is bound to us forever. we just have to cross our fingers and hope that when we do move on, it would be to something better. and that’s something we can’t prepare for.

the movie was great. and being a kids’ movie, it doesn’t have those sappy, awkward long pauses with a sad song playing in the background. the creators have done a good job. toy story 3 is a neat little ribbon to wrap up the whole franchise.

cofiboi on being a grown up

do i look like i’m 27? 🙂

i’m the guy in black. the other guy’s unimportant. teehee. 🙂

of course i don’t look like i’m 27, right?

well, i’m not in denial. when people ask, i’d tell them i’m 27. i stopped fooling myself when i turned 25.

i don’t lie about my age, although most people still say i look young(er).

like many other kids, i couldn’t wait to grow up. then i started paying taxes, that made me wish i was still in grade school. but just like manila’s traffic, i have accepted that paying taxes is a part of life, so is getting old.

so, what have i learned after living in this planet for more than two decades? not that much. but hey, the average life span of a filipino is 70.5 years, so i think i have plenty of time to learn stuff.

well, since i have been busy doing nothing, my average-sized brain came up with a lot of things and thoughts and most of them were about getting old.

now here are the things that i’ve discovered now that i have walked the earth for over two decades:

  • beer and chocolate go well together (trust me on this one)
  • a magic 8 ball should always be present when making decisions
  • you won’t get laid by introducing yourself as: “hi, i’m (your name here). and i’m drunk”
  • there would be times when you need to live on instant noodles and canned tuna
  • you’d get tired of the club scene and the next time you step in a club, you’d want to leave after an hour (the strobe lights hurt!)
  • a beer belly at 26 is inevitable
  • you will start to resent seeing college kids out and about on a saturday night (stop spending your allowance on booze for chrissakes)
  • band-aids and mom’s kisses do not cure everything, but don’t you wish they could?
  • ‘areas of opportunities’, ‘managing out’, ‘action items’ would now be part of your vocabulary
  • you’d always feel sick when monday comes around (i do)
  • you’re considered a ‘classic’ (and not in a very good way)
  • when payday comes around, one word comes to mind: BILLS
  • i have learned that i can’t function properly without my morning coffee
  • when on a date, you’d prefer to go dutch. (well if he pays, i really wouldn’t mind)
  • you’ve hopefully outgrown your teen angst, kinda getting over your quarter-life crisis and looking forward to your pension (haha, kidding)
  • you’d learn that life is hard, but it can also be a fun, crazy, wild, exhilarating ride. 🙂

so here’s to being a grown up, and i wouldn’t want it any other way. 🙂

but honestly, i look young, right?

the ‘huh?’ poem

amidst the sea of garbled words and mixed signals

your truth stays afloat

i fly on wings of your spoken word

to reach your beacon

but claws of questions hinder my flight

and doubt descends like storm clouds

then the light of your spirit, like a shining blade
pierced the darkness

and that little speck of hope

still flicker in the horizon

like the phoenix i rise

with steely resolve i fly again

as i reach for you

our hands touch, but try as i might

your truth, your whole being slips further away

and then you disappear

the light is gone

and once again i am bound in the dark