27 Thoughts While Working Out for the First Time Ever


  

On my first day at the gym, my ultimate goal was not to die. So these were the things that were running through my head while I was making my way through the unexplored (in my case) territory called “the gym”:

  • I seriously hope I don’t die today. 
  • The gym’s on the 3rd floor? I’ll take the stairs then. I’ll consider that as a warmup.
  • Oh good, the place is not packed.
  • Where’s the locker room?
  • Wrong hallway, God, did I just try to go to the women’s locker room?
  • Okay, found the men’s locker room, no people, that’s a good sign.
  • So this is what a gym treadmill looks like. So many buttons! Do I need a college degree to operate this thing?
  • Two minutes in, I think I can get used to this. Do peolple die on treadmills?
  • Stretching time! Wait, you want me to do squats? Sure i’ll do squats. How many?
  • Can we stop doing squats now? Can’t feel my legs!!!
  • Oh Lorde, more squats! 
  • Oh good, we’re moving on to a machine. What is this thing called and how would it torture me?
  • What do you mean “chest out”? 
  • These things are heavy! 
  • My heart can’t beat any faster. Is this the onset of a heart attack?
  • Another machine. For legs. This one’s better. At least I get to sit down.
  • Whoa, almost fell there. Dear legs, don’t give up on me yet.
  • Water, I need water. Every cell in my body is screaming for water.
  • Wait, more squats?!? 
  • Another machine. Leg curls. These things look like they could kill me.
  • Why do others make this look so easy? Like the guy i’m next to. Was he born ripped?
  • Don’t they have a “beginners'” area? I mean it’s my first day for crying out loud.
  • Ten-minute jog, are you fucking kidding me? My legs are nothing but dead weight.
  • Oh good, we’re done. 
  • Locker rooms make me aware of all the body issues I have. Yes, at 30, I still have body issues.
  • Wait, why is walking down three steps of stairs feel like an Olympic sport? My legs, my legs are gone!
  • This is so fun, let’s do this again!😊
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