alone again, naturally


i remember my friend singing this song a lot whenever we have karaoke sessions: on my own.

this song is actually from a musical and it’s vivid imagery of being a desperate soul longing for someone’s attention borders on being pathetic, but i can’t help singing that song today.

although i am not singing this song for someone in particular, it just punctuates whatever it is that i am feeling right now.

there are days where i let myself feel things i would otherwise dismiss as trivial.

this is one of those days.

i let myself wallow in my perceived misery. although i am not really sad, i feel like i am in a sad, sad state. i let myself feel lonely. lonely because i am alone. lonely because i want someone to share my completeness with. i want someone to want me.

yes, a can be pathetic. i am allowed to be like that. and i allow myself to be pathetic sometimes. i am human after all.

i know that being alone is not really something to be sad about. there are so many things in this world to be sad about, like hunger or poverty. but i allow myself to be sad for shallow reasons because there are times that my feelings come first. hunger and poverty are not even parts of my emotional equation. and i can be shallow.

sometimes, when i’m neck deep in work, i wish there would be someone who’d say: ‘it’s okay, i’m here.’

or when i’m too tired to think he’d say: ‘let me fix you something to perk you up.’

or just someone to welcome me home after a long day at work.

but right now it’s just me. and my thoughts.

i’m not even sure i can handle a relationship right now, but it doesn’t hurt to have someone to talk to, go out on a movie date with, have lunch with, be crazy with, fall in love with. even friends just can’t give me what i want right now.

i want those days back. those days when someone would come pick me up. or those days when he’d stay up all night for me because i work nights. or those days when we would make plans about the future. our future.

sigh. yeah, i’m having one of those days.

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